What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 09:16
I don,t even have a pension.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She was in good health!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was very sick at this time too.
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Especially a lifetime of it.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Why do people stay in cults after they have joined?
Ive learnt so much.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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All the time i was locked up.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Have you made a female relative or friend squirt?
I was scared of men, in general
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We all went to grammer schools
I was 9 years of age.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We were not on the streets..
Is love natural, or is it somehow created?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She married twice! .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
When was you wife swapping fantasy started?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
What did i know ?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Would this be the day?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My life is so biszare .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She found it foreign!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Comes on , in middle age.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
So whats the point in blame.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Why did i forgive my father ?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As i do to all so called friends.?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I said to her
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But ive been too sick for many years..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
It was going to be , some day.
My family never makes their pension either.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
This is soul school!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But, we were locked up after school.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was seconnd youngest,
Put me off passion for life!!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Who then, do I blame.?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I have no regrets .
I write beautiful poetry .
She wouldn,t have been !
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I will be 64.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But it wasn’t much.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I think the readers, may guess!
I waited trembling.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And i lived it daily.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im still living with it.
She loved him until the end.
When she asked me how she looked .
He knew the spot.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
So, i spoilt her more .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
One cannot live in the past .